Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
This trial is so absurd 😭