There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
This squirrel eats better than I do
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?