My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.