Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
A new level of troll.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”