Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
You Might Also Like
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!