Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
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i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
why isn’t he texting back
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴