Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.