2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
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*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
True
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
it’s the silliest best thing
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.