Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.