One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I miss this era type of pranks😭
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”