Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
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[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]