His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.