I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”