To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots