how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season