[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
You Might Also Like
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
War & Peace
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.