Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo