#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
listen closely
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!