Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”