Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY