date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My wedding will be open casket.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)