[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Happy Febuary everyone!
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.