Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.