*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.