Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
True
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show