Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
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7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.