Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok