Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
she has a point
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
TRAIN’S HERE
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Milk Cube
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea