What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
you gotta be faster
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?