Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that