i would wish you the best but i am the best
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I had to Stop for this
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
This made me chuckle.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
plums roundup
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.