I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
You Might Also Like
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
This bar smells like my childhood.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.