Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Is this you?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
courtroom exchange of the day
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur