Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
monday
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.