Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”