If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
“Huge”.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”