Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
The Backseat Boys
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.