I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
😲 WTF? 😆
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back