Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan