Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
no refunds
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.