He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumƩ*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why arenāt more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They donāt want us to know I guess
(me to my doctor) if you donāt have anything nice to say you shouldnāt say anything at all
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… š²
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
From the other room 4 just yelled, āDonāt worry, mom! Iām not doing anything,ā and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Them: Iām not getting that vaccine! I donāt know whatās in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didnāt just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite herānot hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.