Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.