Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’