I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
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my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…