Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?