The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Happy birthday to all the women
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger