When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!