I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Happy Caturday!
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Got ya covered
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.