It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Good point.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?