my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
sin harder.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time